Out with the toxic…in with the positive!

Over the past month I’ve been working on my goals. I’ve found that setting clear goals for myself keeps me productive and brings a certain amount of peace in my life. I’ve been focused on keeping the negative influences out and the positive in. This has caused me to change the way I do things and the way I interact with others. Unfortunately, sometimes there are slip ups and I’m learning that some habits are harder to break than others.

I’ve done a pretty good job at listening to my instincts and staying away from things that disrupt my peace…..until recently. I’ve allowed certain ideas and people to come into my space and completely disrupt everything that I’ve been working toward. I don’t know why, it just happens(right?) Reality is, sometimes we seek dysfunction and chaos. Why? Because it’s comfortable. It’s familiar. It’s what we have become to know as “normal”.

Chaos and negativity have no place in my future. It was very apparent when I encountered a situation recently that not only tested my patience and peace….but I must admit it tested my gangsta ( insert gangsta rap music). Nothing in life is worth my peace. NOTHING. In that moment I had to pause and check myself. I had been caught “slipping” and I needed a moment to gather myself back together and adjust my crown(so to speak).

Misery loves company

Some people aren’t meant to be in your space. Especially when God has removed them from your life. Some relationships will have to end for advancement in your life, while others have to be limited. Prophet JoLynne Whittaker, who I absolutely love, said it best, “They just aren’t were you are, don’t want to be were you are, they are a danger to your potential because they hinder you.” Now of course in some situations it’s clear, in others it feels like you’re suppose to be there to “help” that person meet their potential. However, it’s not your job. It’s not your job to change anyone especially when they’re comfortable with failure, chaos and misery. We have to stop doing this to ourselves.

After talking to close friends, my little sister, and even my children’s father about my current dilemma it was agreed that I need to stop trying to revive dead situations. It was also agreed that some people are envious of the calling on your life and will do anything to destroy that. That’s just how the devil work. I have to stop allowing cancerous, toxic people into my space. Everyone doesn’t deserve my time and everyone doesn’t deserve my attention. It’s not my job to “save” anyone especially someone who is content with causing spiritual and or mental harm to you and themselves. It’s not worth it. I hope to keep this in mind while moving forward to my very promised future.

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Boundaries….A bit of a Rant

I don’t have a problem saying no. It’s just hard saying no to the people that are really close to me, especially when I know they’re in need. I don’t know why I feel such a great responsibility for the ones around me, but I do. As a result of being somewhat of a people pleaser, I give in. I say yes, I get the job done, no matter how draining physically, spiritually, mentally, or emotionally it may be. This makes me uncomfortable. It’s puts me in a bad space and my energy is thrown off. Sometimes it makes me withdraw from certain people. A few times I’ve found myself completely overwhelmed with taking on the issues of others. It’s not healthy. One of the things that I’m learning is how to avoid those overwhelming feelings by setting boundaries and sticking to them.

In every relationship it is important to set boundaries. I’m learning that boundaries aren’t a bad thing. Boundaries allow you to tell a person what you will and will not allow. It gives the other person the opportunity to understand and know where you stand. I’m discovering boundaries help us define what we should be and should not be responsible for. Most importantly it helps me practice and work on self control. Setting clear boundaries and sticking to them has to be a sign of growth. When I set boundaries in my relationships, it’s not only for the protection of myself but that other person as well. I recently was reading a devotional on boundaries and it stated boundaries help us keep the “good in and bad out.” I definitely believe it helps me stay level headed and logical.

I recently had to reinforce some boundaries within one of my relationships with a simple no. Saying “No” can be confrontational. It can seem insensitive even. However, the unspoken resentment that starts to build from catering to others needs and neglecting your boundaries will appear. The resentment can appear in different ways. For me, I’m being shown it’s better to set the boundaries, stick to them, and not apologize for saying no. I refuse to allow myself to feel overly committed to another persons “small unconvinced daily life stiffly. I can not and will not allow myself to get guilt tripped or feel sorry for saying no, setting boundaries, and sticking to them.

Man Down!!! My toddler has been sick for days….BUT

Toddlers are annoying. Definitely my least favorite stage, with the peak being around 26 months.( That’s 2 months after their second birthday for THOSE people) I would like to skip over that period all together. That’s the potty training period. That’s also the period when you have to explain to a 40 pound little person why you can’t carry them around Target (because Walmart isn’t safe for toddlers….or parents of toddlers) for an hour and shop. Unfortunately, after 4 children I still don’t speak toddler. The language barrier thing adds to my dislike of the toddler stage.

They are cray…

Communication with toddlers has been one of my biggest challenges in parenting in life! I don’t understand them. They don’t want to understand me. It’s tough. Then there is my youngest seed. My son has made me question my whole existence with unprovoked tantrums in public. Yes, after 3 children and 10 years of not understanding THOSE parents….I became THAT parent.

***Crazy how we remember how judgmental we Use to be…..because now…..we’re better.***

I was the parent speed walking out the store because my child has decided to forget all his good sense and decent home training. Yes, I’ve also been the parent to just let him fuss because I refuse to spend $1 on a bouncy ball that won’t make it out the store. I’ve also been that parent to “remove, discipline, and try again”. I’ve tried a lot of different things with this little one. A lot of different things have been challenged, my gangsta being the most. However, when a toddler is sick is brings by a certain amount of mommy strength. You see them as that tiny little one that you brought home. That delicate baby that needs so much care….. until they open their mouth.

My Toddler is sick

My son gives me the blues. He is definitely the ultimate sour patch kid. When he’s been ill in the past I’ve pretty much let his Dad take the lead (daddy’s boy very much) and I check in with instructions and occasional hugs and sometimes temporary body heat. The kid got sick a few days ago and it caught me off guard. He hasn’t had the typically symptoms. He hasn’t slowed down any. It came all of a sudden. Nonetheless, I flew into action. The problem is, my son is very much a talker….and “alpha mini man”. My son needs to be heard out, he needs you to understand him. This would be amazing for most people. Great, you have a kid that tells you what’s wrong with them? Cool. Easy! But… I don’t understand him. He has an unusually heavy/raspy voice for a toddler and he’s slightly tie tongued. Also, due to my own speed in conversation, my children tend to talk really fast. Add the fact that he just turned 3 years old……I don’t understand him well. This is extremely frustrating for him and leads to blow ups and melt downs.

Change is good…

With all the changing that’s been going on, I haven’t had the opportunity to restock on most of my oils, herbs, and tea. I typically try a natural approach when my children fall ill. It’s my preference and it’s worked really well for a while. I needed something quick to break my sons fever so we went the Tylenol and Motrin route this time. My son was trying to communicate the problem but became frustrated with me and begin to regress. We had to have a Come to Jesus meeting after his meltdown. In the conversation I had to reassure him that I was capable of taking care of him(he was whining for daddy) and that I needed him to properly communicate with me. Maybe it was the drugs kicking in or he was Pedialyte wasted but he responded, “OTay Mommy, I’m tired.” He then got in the bed and asked me to pray with him. I guess I must have gotten too excited about our understanding and clear communication. I begin to talk to him and he quickly said “Mama no, I said goodnight. Go to sleep go to bed, otay?” My heart smiled because I understood every word.

Still a little ill

My toddler has been communicating pretty well the last few days, which leads to fewer tantrums. We have the understanding that I will no longer allow him to speak gibberish but that I will also allow him to *RESPECTFULLY express himself. He’s still a little under the weather and slightly irritable so sometimes his request come out as demands and his replies are still…..developing. Yesterday he replied with, “I said I changed my mind..” when I asked him why he didn’t eat his food. He also got upset when he discovered a bowl of cereal I threw away and said, “why mama? I didn’t tell you nothing. That’s mine, not yours, otay!” Again, we’re working on softening up his tone. I’ve gotten his fever down and working to keep it down. I also was able to talk him into eating about 5 ounces of watermelon since he’s refusing to properly hydrate now. Although he has a thing for Sparkling water. I’m hopeful that my spunky toddler will be up and running (figuratively and literally) within the next 24 hours.

Subconscious Reality

I wrote this poem some months ago in the middle of a conversation I was having. I recently read it and immediately thought to trash it. I read it a few more times and started to remember the feelings I was having while writing this. By the fifth or sixth time reading it I thought it was worth a spot of the blog.

Just a heads up, the hasn’t been edited…not sure if I will or won’t. I wrote this in 15 minutes.

10/31/18

Subconscious Reality

With a gulp

I swallow the last ounce of pride

Listening to memories

It’s a process

But I passed the test

When I set myself

Up for the fall, possible sabotage

I conquered because I climbed

Plotting my moves as I collect

My things and dipped without

The doubt that usually linger

I moved on

I moved out of the comfort

That comfort zone

That typically left me stoned

But I was different

I moved with great caution

Not because of my motives

But because of the goals

And left you there

With thoughts and dreams

With regrets and mistakes

Feels familiar yet?

Is it real to you yet?

Remember all the nights

When I would waste my breath

My words on you

De ja vu, right?

Old poetry and journals coming to YOU!!!!(Just a subtle FYI)

I’ve been going through poems I’ve written, short stories I’ve begun, and countless other writings I have. I’ll be posting some work to the blog. I have to be honest, some may be good, some may not be “to your liking”. But I promise to do my best to:

1) Check for spelling and grammatical errors(several times) before posting.

2) Give you real emotions and feelings through my writings.

3) Teach you something.

I started my blog in May 2018. I felt like I had gone through a lot in the last two to three years and learned a ton. I was beginning a new journey in life and I wanted to blog to show my growth as well as provide a safe space for people like myself. Little did I know the heat would turn up all summer 2018, literally and figuratively speaking. I was faced with my worse fears all within a month of starting my blog.

Understand, when I started my blog, I was in a very good space. Everything seemed so clear and I had all the answers. I remember the hours I would spend finding content and writing. I was feeling very optimistic. Everything changed when “life” happened. My blog at times began a healthy outlet and others became another “thing to do”.

There was One really cool thing that happened in the midst of the summer chaos. I met so many new people and made connections with people I never imagined I would have under different circumstances. I wrote a lot about those experiences. A wrote a lot about the people I met and bonded with. My poetry will sometimes be dedicated to those people. I’ll start sharing some of those experiences through my short stories and poetry. I’ll also start sharing some of the spiritual and life lessons I’ve learned as well. I’m excited for the feedback as well as the opportunity to create a safe space for all. I hope you all enjoy as much reading as I do writing.

-Kaj

Sorry for the delay…..I was being a brat. Happy New Year! (Struggle with writer’s block)

I’ve struggled with writing my New Year post. It’s so many things I’ve been waiting to say but so many things stopping me. I think it has caused writer’s block. In the times that I’ve wanted to write everything has seemed so “Ugh”. But today, I had to meet my deadline. So “I fake got prepared” and prepared to tell it all…

I believe in angels……

I believe we have angels walking the Earth. Yesterday, I had a conversation with one of my favorite people. It was absolutely refreshing and very much the confirmation I needed. However, one thing that stood out was “don’t be surprised of the timing…..”. This angel was warning me of this test that was coming. More of a heads up. I appreciate it. It was needed. The test came faster than expected because of the deadline that I put on myself.

As I prepared to write, the first thing that came to mind was the time I was hurt the most. It was something that I hadn’t really thought about, so of course I hadn’t worked my way through it. I decided that would be the perfect thing to write for my blog….because of course my blog is about honesty. It’s meant to be real and raw but healing……

I laugh at myself ALL the time….As I begin to write about the time in my life that damaged me the worse(in my opinion) I begin to reopen those all wounds. I cried a little. I became angry again, wept for my soul. I had gotten to one of the lowest points in my life and no one around to see that. I became upset with the people around all over again. When I was done, I felt relieved. I felt pretty good…..but I was still ready to publish that very personal journal. That journal that would have completely destroyed the relationship that I now have with that person. Although I felt freed, it was at the expense of someone’s else reputation and honor. I have to laugh at myself to keep from beating myself up……for making bad decisions.

Something was missing…..

I begin to pray about my writings and for my relationships. I got a phone call right after that distracted me from publishing my journal. Once I finished the phone call…..there it was.

It was a message…an apology. The apology that I thought I didn’t need to really set me free. But there it was. Sitting there….all nicely written. I know it’s probably the Christian thing to be able to forgive without the apology. But sometimes we need that. Or at least I did….

So now, I feel good. I feel like that blockage has been removed and I can really focus on my blogging and writing. Cheers to the New Year and the Blessings that’ll come.

Mommy Time Out 😩

I think I need a mommy time out. Literally. I need time to pause. I need to be put in a corner, by myself. I shouldn’t be allowed to talk and no one should be allowed to talk to me.

My kids are driving me a little crazy right now. I’m not sure if it’s the break away from me(overnight trip to their dad) or the the last 3 Sundays not being with them(I’ve been working on weekends) but MY GOD! Today especially has been a little draining. Let me also say, I understand why/how mimosas were really created, cause I need several. Between my 4 biological seeds and the 3 added to the mix, I severely need a mommy time out. The truth is, kids can be annoying, petty, and very very noisy. Oh so much noise!!!!

I’ll like to think of this mommy time out as a preventative measure. Typically When we put kids in time out, it’s because they’ve done or acted in a way that is less desirable. I haven’t done that…..yet. However, I feel some bad parenting or less than desirable parenting coming on and I feel this would be the perfect time to practice this. The thing is, do I tell my children I’m putting myself in timeout? Or do I just do it and let it be whatever it shall be….

As I’ve probably explained before my second eldest(8 years old) has to be the most logical and mature person I know. (Seriously, the girl is a genius) She would probably understand that they’ve driven mommy to that “special place” and now it’s time to “leave her be”. She would understand that mommy just needs a little space for a moment to process everything. She would understand mommy isn’t being mean or selfish, but it’s important to her mental health to take this time out. She would be the one to sit her brothers and sister down and say “hey guys, wanna play a game? It’s called let’s see who can NOT call mom’s name for the longest!” Knowing their competitive nature, they’ll all want to win. I love her for creating this game.

Yeah, I’ll tell them I need a time out. I’ll have approximately 28 mins before someone calls my name, unless they’re trying to break a record(it’ll be 29 in that case). Yep! I think it’s time for another “family challenge”. I literally laughed that evil laugh as I typed that.

(If anyone was wondering it took about an hour to “free write” this blog)

Okay, I’m going in!